Warning: This is going to be an emotionally intense post. Trigger warnings for self harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety.
Makeover? What? It's (kind of) what it sounds like. I'm not investing in a new makeup look and expensive clothes though. The makeover that I am starting goes so much deeper than that. Mine is a spiritual makeover, combining soul healing, physical health, healthy eating, and natural skin care -and alright, a little bit of a wardrobe makeover.
The past few years have been really rough for me, if I'm honest. I had rough teenage years -a mentally abusive stepfather, depression, suicidal thought, self mutilation addiction, and intense feelings of worthlessness. It wasn't pretty. I got through that alright though. I managed to fight back years of self destructive tendencies and keep myself positive enough to get through every day. And by the time I was 19, after struggling with a cutting addiction (sometimes 30+ small cuts a day) for 6 years I was able to stop. That's due to a lot of things -I moved out (and lived with my loving and wonderful grandfather) and went to college where I met some really fantastic people. But regardless of any of that, I stopped and I almost never feel the urge to do it again anymore. Anyone who has ever been addicted to something so destructive can understand how amazing it feels not to have the cravings.
However, not long into college things went downhill fast. I found myself in a controlling and mentally abusive relationship with someone who valued my body more than my personality, and who tried to dictate every aspect of my life. It didn't start out that way of course. For at least the first 6 months everything was fantastic. I was in love. He was charming and attentive, he helped me through my first semester at college as best he could and let me practically live out of his dorm room when my roommate turned out to be less than pleasant.
But controlling relationships usually start out like that. It gave him enough time to get into my head, make me dependent, and beat down my independence, all int eh name of "love." From there it was a constant up and down and the details are not something I'm keen on going into. The long and short of it was that the whole thing was bad, really bad. I hate to think that I was so weak and so dependent on someone so terrible. It took me a long time to stop beating myself up over it. I know now that it was not my fault -it was his. He played with my emotions, cheated on me, and made me feel small and incapable of standing up on my own two feet. It took a long time for me to break away.
I did, of course, but the trouble didn't stop there. It has been just over 2 years since I walked away from him for good, but the damage he did to my soul is still with me. My depression has been replaced with anxiety and paranoia. I have been much better at dealing with these things lately than before, but only because I have started to acknowledge just how bad they are. It's no light matter for me, I fight against them constantly, but it is an uphill struggle for me every day. The paranoia has been easier to manage. It's the anxiety that really gets to me. I am anxious about everything. I am anxious about typing this -the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm still high on exercise endorphins (we're getting to that bit later) and it's keeping me strong and positive enough to get it out.
When I say makeover, I mean I am really digging into my soul and my mind to pull out the anxiety and trauma that is keeping me from standing tall and finding balance in my life. And I have come to realize that this is not just an emotional journey. It's an everything journey. In order for me to stay strong and motivated enough to keep going, keep digging, and keep working, my whole well-being needs to be nurtured and tended to.
What does this mean for me? It means I am going to journal every day. It means I am going to try to blog with more soul. It means I am going to be watching what I eat, seriously cutting out most if not all sugary foods, exercising everyday, doing morning yoga everyday, trying to keep all my personal and skin care as natural as possible, creating with my hands as much as possible, laying in the sunshine and soaking up the light, telling the people I care about how much I love them every chance I get, working on my fiction writing, and finding a personal style that vibrates with my soul and makes me feel good about my looks and my body.
Body love is a roller coaster for me. I believe that we should love our bodies, no matter what, and that we should take care of them, listen to them, and make sure we are giving them what they need and getting rid of what they don't. But looking at myself in the mirror and loving what I see can be hard sometimes. I want to be in better shape. I want to be stronger, healthier, and more flexible. So I'm going for it -not for skinny, for fit. I'm not a particularly big person, about 140lb at 5'3" and I carry most of that in my butt and thighs. I am always going to have lower curves, I know that. I just want them to be muscle curves.
So today I started Jillian Murphy's
30 Day Shred. I don't have the weights (yet!) but I think the exercise still works well without them. On top of that workout, I do sun salutations in the morning, and some extra leg workouts, and hooping a few times a week. I am also hoping to incorporate some walks around the neighborhood on top of all that. So the results I hope to see at the end of 30 days should be more than just from the workout video. And of course my diet is getting a kick in the butt. I am already a fruit and veggie nut (and a vegetarian so I don't take in any fat from meats) and guzzle water and green tea like it's going out of style. I plan to cut out most sugar, limit my bread intake, eat less dairy, and eventually do some kind of detox.
So, here's what I look like on day one of the 30 day shred (this is post workout by the way)
See, I am pretty curvy in the butt area, haha. And seriously, let me make this clear -I do not think that I am overweight. I'm not. I'm just not as healthy as I want to be. I believe in loving yourself. And loving myself includes whipping my butt into shape!
I will be posting updates periodically, and I plan to start running once I finish the 30 Day Shred to help keep myself going and make sure I don't get lazy.
Have any of you every had to do something like this? Healing can be such a long and tricky process, and it's so different for everyone -I'm interested to know in how you guys have dealt with similar issues, etc. My readers give me so much motivation and strength and I am so lucky to have so many people who check up on this space on a regular basis. In means the world to me and I hope you will stick around with me through this part of my journey.
I hope everyone is having a great Monday!
Manda Rave
