Wednesday, April 2, 2014

That Girl is a Monster

My head is swimming lately and I just wanted to get this out. It's something Sue and I talk about a lot actually and something I wanted to put in this space.

I don't feel like a girl anymore. My life is a mess, but I don't feel like a teenage girl playing at being an adult, smiling and being pretty and trying to save face. That's not to say I feel like an adult either.

I feel like a monster woman, a wolf in girl's clothing, a creature with fangs and claws. I feel wild.

It' not a bad feeling. Actually, it's a fantastic feeling. It's freedom, pleasure, rawness. It's an absence of shame, a place devoid of fucks to give about what other people think of me. My anxiety doesn't do well here, it withers and shrinks. If anything, that makes it worth it.

Right now I'm in a place where I'd rather have sharp edges, bared teeth and warning label eyes. I need my armor, walls in place, and a cautious heart. I need to be about myself first and foremost, and not be afraid to snarl at people who might jeopardize my growth. I don't want to be sweet and delicate, curves and a mild temper. I want to be a beast, beautiful and capable of inciting terror, respected and feared and given a wide berth.

x

6 comments:

  1. This is essentially how I feel 100% of the time, with slightly less mess. I in fact am a beast who incites awe and terror in equal measure, and I'm really, really pleased about it.

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    1. It's a wonderful feeling and I hope that I am/can be the same. x

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    2. Let me teach you my seductive and horrifying ways. *points to image of Peter Hale* there's your first lesson. Walk into room, channel that.

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  2. I love that feeling. I think the most monster I've ever been is when I was 19, just went through a terrible break up and didn't give a fuck about anything. I was wild and raw and broken and free and that's when I feel I was the most myself. I wrote every single night because that's what I wanted to do. I drank wine and went out with my friends and called in sick to drive to Oregon just cause I had the urge. I always say how that was the time I grew the most. I was in such a dark place but it was a beautiful, raw place and I look back on that time with so much love and longing. I've had times like that again but that lasted the longest and was definitely the rawest. I love the way you described this phase in your life and glad you shared and excited for this time in your life for you! Be Wild Woman!

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    1. That is exactly how I feel! Everything just feels fresh and open and alive. And it hurts sometimes but it's a good hurt. The kind of hurt that makes you feel like you could take on the world. I kind of want to drag the feeling out for as long as possible. I want this wildness to be a part of my life forever.

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