Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Sexual Fluidity (or all about how I'm just a girl with a lot of crushes)

Balancing Acts: Being Queer in Gay and Straight Spaces

I have been thinking about writing this post for awhile and I finally just decided to bite the bullet and go for it. Nothing you read in this post has been a secret. I have been open about my sexuality for a long time, particularly on tumblr and twitter. I mean, my family doesn't really know, but not because I am afraid of telling them, just because it's never really come up.

I learned the other day that Anne Frank was bisexual. Her diary was heavily edited before it was published, removing all then entries of her talking about being attracted to girls. Learning this has infuriated me. This was something I needed to know when I was growing up. This was something I needed to read when I was younger. I consider this an important historical fact. I feel like part of my education was robbed -again.

When I was little I didn't know I liked girls as well as boys. Looking back though I can definitely tell you that I had a crush on Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams and Sarah Jessica Parker as Sarah from Hocus Pocus. I definitely thought of some of the girls I went to school with the same way I thought of some of the boys. I didn't really think too much about it at the time. I wasn't one of those kids that grew up in a sexually repressed household. My family isn't religious, there was no talk of sin, there was no fear of being dirty, or anything like that. I knew about people being gay. My parents didn't keep it a secret like a lot of parents do. My aunt Kelly was gay and no one thought twice about it. I didn't think twice about it.

But I knew I liked boys so I assumed that because I did I couldn't also like girls. I didn't know it was possible to be attracted to both. That changed when I got to high school, of course. I learned the word bisexual and started to apply it to myself.

Eventually I switched the term out for pansexual. I recognize that there are several types of gender identities and the word bisexual, to me, makes it seem like I'm only open to two -the standard men and women. But when I'm attracted to someone, their gender identity doesn't matter to me. I don't care what you call yourself or how you dress. If I'm into you then I'm into you. Which why I now just say my sexuality is fluid. No labels, no need to categorize.

Despite this, I have only ever been in relationships with men. Which is not even because I have a preference for men, it just happens. I've crushed on plenty of girls before, kissed a few of them, too. But because I have never dated a girl people like to assume I'm straight.

I. Am. Not.

What I am trying to say is that people in general are really great, no matter what their parts are, how they dress, etc. Everyone has something attractive about them and if we get along and you have a nice personality, chances are I'd be totally into dating you.

I read this post recently and really identify with this line (although the whole piece is really great and you should all read it):
I'm just some confused dork who has too many crushes on too many different types of people.
That is me. That is me to a tee. I just crush on people. Girls in pretty dresses and combat boots, boys in skinny jeans and glasses, girls in plaid button downs, boys in stockings and eyeliner -the list goes on and on. People are just attractive. I can't help it.

And as a side note, everyone looks good in lacy underwear. Everyone. Fuck gender roles in clothing.

I would love to hear what you guys have to say on this. I think it's important to talk about sexuality so feel free to share your thought, experiences, etc.



  1. I've never been turned on by women, but I've never been turned off either, I just run sort of neutral on it really. Me with other ladies I just kind of *shrug*. I'm really glad to have great friends who pushed me to be open and discuss it in my teen years, but I've always felt more gender-fluid than sexuality fluid. There's this thought that never seems to quite get pushed out of mind where I think "If I could have a prostate, yeah, I think I'd like to be a guy." To which my brother once told me "If you were, I think you would finally be into girls." I laughed and told him simply, "Nah bro, I'd be hella gay."

    And a big fuck yeah to abolishing gender roles in clothing. I think Eddie Izzard said it best on a talk show once where someone asked about him wearing "women's dresses." and he says quite simply, and proudly, "No, no they're not women's dresses, they are MY dresses, I'm wearing them." Its like when my mom sometimes asks about why I've been wearing "men's shirts," and I tell her quite simply "they are my shirts, and if you most know, women's clothes are designed around motherfucking twig arms, which I don't have."
    I long for a day when clothes are just sort by sizes that are actual goddamn measurements, and just like Skirts, Pants, Stuff For Your Feet.

    Also gods yes, everyone in fact looks good in lacy underwear. UNF.

    1. I think if I were a guy I'd be hella gay too xD I mean, I'd still like girls plenty fine, but I would still be /very/ into guys.
      And I mean, I get that plenty of people are only into one kind of thing, but I just can't choose. But I don't identify as "bisexual" or anything. The only term I would probably apply to myself REALLY is "queer" -because even pansexual starts to feel too much like a label with walls. But it's hard sometimes to feel like I'm a part of the queer community because sometimes I do feel really straight. Sometimes I see a really manly guy (*cough*tylerhoechlin*cough*) and I'm like YEAH, I WANT THAT. But I'm not like that all the time. /shrug

      And I really hate gendering clothes. I mean, I typically dress "girly" but I have no problem walking around in men's shirts or jeans or whatever. And I wish that people would understand that they're just clothes. I'll wear what I want. And I want guys to be able to wear what they want. Like dude, if you want to rock that skirt, rock that skirt and look hella fine doing it.

      (Lace for everyone!)

  2. I agree. And this is all me as well. However I didn't learn that you could be bisexual/pansexual until I was 19. Which made life before that a very confusing time for me. I remember telling one of my guy friends that I liked this girl but that I wasn't over my first love (a guy) and that I was really confused and thought I was a lesbian but not a full lesbian and he was just like "dude you aren't a lesbian, you're bisexual." And then I was like Oh!!!! And it clicked. I didn't realize it was ok to like all and that nothing was wrong with me. It cleared up a lot of confusion for me. LOL Also, I have always been very in to guys in drag. I guess that makes sense. I guess I can't even really say that. I'm in to guys who look good in what they wear and if they have the balls to wear drag and feel sexy then that is sexy. And I'm in to girls who look good and are confident. I have no type. I feel connected to people who I feel connected to and that makes them attractive.
    I remember when I "came out" to my Dad and he was just like "ya, this isn't like a surprise to me." I had been so nervous to tell him. Not because I thought he would judge me or care.. just cause I hadn't like "come out" to anyone before really. And I wanted him to know so that if I brought a girl home sometime then he wouldn't be confused.. When he said that it made me feel so good to have his support and it also made me feel good to know he just knew.
    Something that has been harder for me is I feel more judgement as a pansexual/bisexual person then if I was just like "hey, I'm gay." Or "hey, I'm straight." I do think it's more misunderstood. Like there is something wrong with me or like I'm really just a lesbian who isn't comfortable enough to just say I'm a lesbian. I've definitely been judged for being bisexual/pansexual. I guess I can't say I'm judged more because I have no idea what it would be like to be a lesbian but I know I've had a lot of judgement from gay people and straight people alike for this.

    1. I'm so glad someone understands! I don't know many people who feel the same way as me and who are so fluid with their sexuality. I always kind of feel like I'm in a weird in between place. I just like people, people are hella sexy, you know?
      I really wish sexual fluidity was a topic more people talked about. I feel like there are a lot of people who probably feel similarly and are equally lost in a sea of labels that just don't fit.

    2. People are hella sexy. And I too wish more people would talk about this.
      Another common misconception is that people who are bisexual/pansexual is that they won't be loyal. I've had people not want to date me because of my sexuality and thinking that I wouldn't be satisfied by one or the other. Not true. I'm the most loyal girlfriend there is.

    3. Luckily that's never happened to me, but I think it's because people don't take me seriously when I say I like girls too? Like, I'm pretty vocal about it, especially among friends and such, but because I haven't dated a girl guys don't seem to think I'm serious about it. Which is also super annoying.
      And also, as long as you're good at what you're doing, I will be satisfied.


Thank you so much for your comments! I love hearing from my readers and your support means a lot to me!

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