Saturday, February 8, 2014

The thing about breakups...

note: Super personal post, trigger warning for abuse

The thing about breakups is that they're so individual to a person. No breakup is the same as anyone else's. It's a new experience every time. And sometimes it hurts, a long drawn out pain that haunts you when you're trying to sleep at night and makes your chest feel tight; and sometimes you feel like you've been set free, a weight is lifted, and you're ready to take flight; and sometimes it's a mix of both that battle within you for weeks or months. And then, sometimes you become apathetic, numb to the emotions, blocking out the memories and pretend you don't have a heart to break anyways.

Currently, I am all of those things. Actually, that's a lie, the pain part passed very quickly, surprisingly enough. It hurt for maybe two weeks and then I moved out and had time to settle into my own space and the pain dissipated. Because the truth is I feel like I've been single for months, and for months I felt that pain, so when it finally became official, I had already cried most of it out.

Now I feel free. And sometimes I feel numb, like my heart was carved out of my chest and put into a box for later. But when I feel like that I don't feel like someone else did it. It's like I took the knife to myself and removed it until I can deal with it again. If that makes sense?

Mostly I feel free though. I have intense anxiety, honestly it's probably from a case of ptsd (I am not diagnosed, I am currently trying to get a so I can afford to go see someone and pay for medication), and being single is so much easier on my stress levels. Because now I don't have anyone else I have to put a smile on for. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to explain my emotions, and I don't have someone standing over me and getting offended by my lack of happiness. That's the worst in relationships, for me at least -when you just can't make yourself happy and the other person takes it as some kind of affront to their character. Or when you can't open up about what's bothering you because just the thought of doing so gives you a panic attack, and the other person gets mad because they think you're keeping things from them. As if you're doing it on purpose.

I'll be completely honest with you guys. And some people know this, but most people in my life do not, and putting this out there for the world at large is very difficult, but I am sick of being ashamed of it. The reason I have such bad anxiety (probably ptsd) is because for 3 years of my college life I was in an off/on mentally and sexually abusive relationship. I am a rape victim. And sometimes that thought sends my world crashing down around me and I can't deal with it. And when I can't deal with it I withdraw, pull inside myself, and I can't talk about it. And to be blunt, I am fucking sick of other people making my inability to open about them. It makes me stress out more, makes me paranoid and depressed. It's not healthy.

So on the other side of my recent breakup, I am happy to be free. I haven't really been single in a long time and it feels like a weight's been lifted. The thing about relationships (and I'm talking about mine here) is that they're great for awhile. The other person is always wonderful and fabulous and lifts you up and makes you feel loved and beautiful. And then they see what your inside looks like and you see what their inside looks like and that's where the trouble starts. I have a lot of baggage. It's difficult to deal with, I know that. It's one of the reasons I don't have many friends. It puts a lot of stress on a relationship and it's selfish of me to demand that the other person deal with all of my crap, especially when they have their own issues. But when things start to go downhill my anxiety goes through the roof. I get depressed, moody, lose touch with myself and with other people, and end up wishing I could crawl into a hole forever. The strain of the relationship is just too much.

So I'm done with them for now. The idea of dating sounds positively revolting anyways (read: dating, not sex, I am actually pretty annoyed I'm not having sex. TMI?) I am happy to have space, time in my own head without worrying about someone else. I have a lot I need to deal with. I need to talk to someone about my anxiety issue, I need to find a job, I need to get my license, I need to finish my degree. And while I do all that I want to get back into shape, write a fuck-ton, maybe try to teach myself Czech, hopefully meet some new people, and do something awesome with my hair. I want to be the Queen in my own life again.


So that's it. Breakups are hard and weird and an emotional avalanche. Mine has been interesting to say the least. But I have my friends, and I have the love and support of my family, and I have books and a hula hoop and tv shows to watch. Life is tough. My life has been fucking hell at times. But I've survived this long and I guess I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

x

6 comments:

  1. *huge hugs* Break ups are a bitch, but a necessary pain. I'm looking forward to watching the Queen conquer <3

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    1. Well you've pretty much got a front row seat xD
      *hugs* <3 xo

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  2. I so appreciate you writing this post because it feels like exactly what I've wanted to write but haven't been able to yet.
    I also admire you so much for being able to open up about the abusive relationship you had. The way you describe the feeling of the walls crashing down when you think about it sometimes is exactly how I feel too, you already know what happened to me but yeah... everything you said just resonates so much with me and makes me feel as though I'm not alone and somebody understands what it feels like to carry something like that. It's probably the one thing in my life I haven't managed to get over, no matter how much I tell myself I have or wish I had, I still carry those wounds. Damn them.

    I love you and I'm so glad that you exist and that I know you ♥

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    1. It's difficult to carry around with me, and it's something I don't think I'll ever really get over, unfortunately. But I'm learning to deal with it.
      I love you, too, and I'm so happy that we've become friends. You have such a beautiful soul and I'm lucky to know someone so sweet and caring <3 x

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  3. You are courageous for sharing your journey, and inviting healing. Love to you. XO

    M.

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